#cant last much longer like this
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i am scared my mother will be mad if she knows im trying to physically transition but its my last hope
#like . its either this or i kill myself#cant last much longer like this#ive been trying to kill myself because of it for years#why dont i just stop being a coward and finally do it...#shes against minors transitioning which is stupid#mother i know you dont give a fuck about me#i wanna overdose but ill puke it all up immediately because its paracetamol but i wanna feel good again like the other time...#tw suicide#tw vent
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binding vow
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#megumi fushiguro#fushiguro megumi#megumi#fanart#jjk fanart#done....collapses#up until 3am last night n sitting fr another 8 hours today to finish....#g o d#the things i do fr him.....#let it no longer b said that i only do elaborate paintings rife with symbolism tht feature gojo. megu my one true muse#as is Correct and Just#real talk tho i was just sketching th things i wanted to include without giving much thought to the Themes#w the exception being the spider lilies lmao I Know What Those Mean#but i ended up with a REALLY good life/death/marriage/loyalty thing going on????#w the lotus/spider lily being purity+rebirth/death#((not 2 mention 'far from the one he loves' like HELLO?????))#also w the temari balls being associated w femininity but having him dressed in groom's attire#like???? 90% unplanned but i ended up both cooking And eating#also happy 2 report that betta fish were kinder 2 me than the koi were :) no trouble from these lil guys#in fact everything abt this piece kind of came easily beyond the initial colour swatch??#thank u fr being an easy subject megu ilysm im sorry abt all the death imagery i dont mean it pls focus instead on th Life imagery :((((#i put a ring on it so u gotta wake up.....cant leave yuuji @ th altar ....#SPEAKING OF THE RING IK ITS ON THE RIGHT HAND we've been over this and its Okay#if i read a single comment .........#sorry 2 that one person who was like 'the next binding vow better be at itfs' wedding' ik this probably wasnt what u meant#but it did inspire me smile :)#anyway i need 2 stop looking at this its been over 24 hours
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chat if i may speak
#marvel cinematic universe#mcu#xmen#x2 xmen united#xmen the last stand#xmen dofp#magneto#erik lehnsherr#snap sketches#i love the old people !!!!!!#highkey though old people are prob my fave subjects to draw ..#theres just so much line definition- i feel more confident drawing them and saying 'yeah that looks like them'#tho i also feel this way with people/characters who have really defined features and shapes ..... most curious !!!#anyways. i gave him extensions vjalkjlkaejAELJ#long-hair erik is important to me and i simply Had To See with ian mckellens face#at the same time something isnt right ... i cant explain it... im not gonna sit on this any longer tho this just a quick thing vjlkalk#when i inevitably draw older movie erik again ill prob go back to his short hair but i may be subjected to a treat. just this once#i dont wanna drive. totally unrelated. im going home for the weekend and i live so FAR from my dorm i hate it here (no i dont)#i just hate driving VJELAVJAE#whatever its the weekend which means more time for xmen brainrot#i just started S3 of 92 !!!!! in theory im halfway done with the series but S3 is also 26 episodes compared to the previous 13 vjeALVKEJ#OH WELL. im gonna go now i have to start driving at some point i GUESS#i just wanted to leave the people with a silly thing </3 ok bye bye#i have a silly comic planned with younger cherik so heres to hoping i do that !!! it's stupid but funny. i hope#ok bye bye now Truly
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Haven’t been doing much recently but here are some little doodles! started out as practice with side views and then i just started having fun with lighting haha
#my art#grian fanart#grian#gtws#gtws fanart#geminitay fanart#geminitay#martyn inthelittlewood#itlwart#what are his tags. i dont know#every time i see that tag i read it as in the little wart. i cant stop. help Me#i love lighting so much i love shading so much i dont think ive talked about this on tumblr but I LOVE SHADING.#it’s my favorite part of drawing.#i dont think ive shown that much because ive been kind of just. testing the waters of drawing humans in the past#year? maybe#been drawing for much longer but never really drew humans. but it’s fun. i like it#I talk too much sometimes i’m sorry#one last thing. my requests are still open#if anyone would like to throw one in
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Happy Birthday to Ferdinand von Aegir!
I actually made 33 emotes, affectionately known as Aegirglyphics to some, for my own personal use on discord. However, I figure why not share some of them! They're free to use for discord servers/icons/pfps or whatever. However, my only request is Do NOT use them as subscriber emotes on Twitch. You can make them free follower emotes but you are not to make them locked behind a paywall.
#fe three houses#ferdinand von aegir#discord emotes#i thought long and hard about this bc idk the actual want for emotes i made ages ago but#i still love my son and its his bday ad so i should be nice and share#since i no longer have nitro and can no longer use them myself#the fact i can technically post 30 at once was tempting but#some of them arent living up to my standards and also just might not be easy to use in most contexts#so those im gonna skip on lol#whoever wants 21 aegirglyphics tho have at em#i think i might have posted some before? but only 10 and i dont recall which ones#if you want a secret the last three and the middle on the second row are my favorites to use#i used concernednand (the upper one) so much#the internet concerns me guys it was a valid use every time#debated sharing heartnand but honestly the world could benefit from it imo because gotta spread that love#fun lil trivia i love making emotes and so when i was in a server and people knew me as the ferdinand fan and artist#someone was like why hasnt salmon made a ferdinand emote yet#and im like bc i dont run the server and i cant just demand they add my art#and then a mod was like i didnt wanna put pressure on salmon but i thought about it so i was like bet#and then drew a server exclusive happy ferdinand emote#and that was the start of me somehow being able to have like.... ten emotes in that server#some of them were just me joking and then mods encouraging me#cause i used to use felix for every single art prompt theyd give and one week someone said the prompt was pog#and i just was so upset because dude why would i wanna draw felix for that hes not pog#so a mod was like hey if you make a pog felix emote we ill add it to the emotes here#so i once again was like bet and then posted it and then they really added it lmao#anyway sorry for so many rambles please feel free to use them on discord in whatever server#i cant really expect everyone to credit me but also im not really concerned since i fear people know my nands a mile away
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hey so this year has been particularly rough...
currently trying to raise funds to comfortably move into a new apartment...any help or spread of word is greatly appreciated
#its horribly inconvenient timing but my living situations is on its last legs and cant keep going like this for very much longer#for my financial/mental/physical health's sake#this has been on my twitter for a bit and i figure i should put it here too
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the successful aftermath of the first ever (improvised) top surgery, invented by master katara of the southern water tribe and performed on fire lord zuko (circa 104 ag)
#sokka is a prodigy inventor that specializes in engineering and tactics.#and katara is a prodigy that specializes in EVIL SURGERY and ANATOMY MURDER. she just doesnt know it yet.#and zuko is her NUMBER ONE ENABLER#its like how azula is a prodigy in firebending and zuko is a prodigy in breaking and entering#hes like I bet you anything we can use bloodbending for good things (trying to make her feel better about it)#and it leads to unethical medical practices (because they cant do anything legal and normal for fun together)#she didnt even come up with a plan for how she was gonna do it she free styled and it worked#sokka hates them both so much hes never leaving them unattended together for longer than 5 minutes ever again#atla#avatar the last airbender#katara#zuko#blood tw#alicias art
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WIFI IS MINE ONCE AGAIN as i sit on a mattress on the floor
#it feels like ive been without it for so long...#it has been... three and a half days... i am Weak....#nah jk i wouldve been find without it for much longer#but boy howdy am i Glad to be able to use my dear beloved laptop again#i am In The New Place i am Beginning To Settle#tomorrow i begin unpacking my own stuff!!! exciting!!!#i cant wait to admire all of my Things!#ohhhh and i finally have a spot on the wall for my combo whiteboard/corkboard....#im still very stressed and i want to lay in a hole but!!#i am doing slightly better than a few days ago!#the weather has been nice... cool and rainy... i am not used to cool and rainy#its also cold and i am - unfortunately - a desert creature#suffice to say i am wearing hand warmers a hoodie and a blanket#absolutely unprompted#the place's last owner Didnt Fucking Clean though#so there have been many spiders. and cobwebs. and general Grime we will have to scrub#like seriously today i was dusting the ceiling. THE CEILING.#had to dust & vacuum the windowsills... gonna scrub my bathroom tomorrow...#theres a large tear in my bedroom carpet too...#ugh and the cabinets are Small so organizing all the spices and shit has been Rancid#stuff has to go out of place and you cant see it all and MY ORGANIZATIONAL SYSTEMS ARE CRUMBLING#sometimes it feels like my adhd and autism are fistfighting but during a move?#lockstep babeyyyy. they are Streamlined. lots of things and lots of sorting & placing and eeheehee#i have also killed most of the freakishly huge mosquitos in the house so! things are better!#that first night was Rough! its better now! this shell is becoming a House!
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man rodeoh hasnt added my not so good review and now im starting to wonder if theres some suspicious reason they dont have any reviews under 4 stars
#its an underwear brand i tried out awhile ago#they felt really cheap and thin and unstretchy when they arrived and within a year completely fell apart at the seams#like i ripped the waistband right off from just putting them on.#the croctches wore right out to nothing and im not even active! i hardly do anything!#and like maybe a year is too much to ask for clothing nowadays but idk i feel like they should last longer than that#i cant afford to replace all my underwear every year#also for tboy oriented underwear i was sorely disappointed that they didnt have pad functionality#idk man#rodeoh#maybe they just arent made for big fat guys idk#the inseam was awkwardly proportioned so it crumpled a lot under my belly but wasnt long enough to go over it#i tried to record a video of how easy it was to pull em apart but it just made me look really strong and also like the start of an OF#i need some validation that im not the only one that experienced this iim dying squirtle
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"And you guys saw our arena? Like, the arena in Florida is obviously grown so much during the season but playoff times is a whole new level. You know, I think—I mean for me, I had a feeling and I knew that I was probably on my way out. So after we won, I would just kind-of circling around looking at how crazy this atmosphere was. You know, it's obviously something I'll remember forever."
Oh so like im supposed to be normal about this... that monty absolutely knew it wasnt likely he was gonna stay so the second he won the cup he tried to take it all in the best he could like he was
#brandon montour#the melancholy in knowing this is the last time youll experience the best moment of your life in THIS arena#walking around the halls like youre a disney channel star saying goodbye to your set in the season finale#alternatively you cant imagine the joy that would fill you as you stay with your team until 3am celebrating#and the dread that plagues when you realise this is the last time youll have this that makes it the much harder to leave#on another episode of how many guys in that room knew they werent staying#man thanks for making me sad again#I FUCKING HATE IT HERE#I DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THIS ANY LONGER#WHY WAS THIS SUCH A CASUAL ADMISSION YOU JUST MADE ME CRY AGAIN IM DISTRAUGHT
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One day I'll run out of photos of aegon targaryen to paint, but not today evidently
#well technically i painted this last night#i cant tell if it sucks or not but i thought id post it anyway#aegon ii targaryen#been doing less fanart lately#art#my art#watercolor#gouache#its so much easier to paint them at this scale#i keep trying to paint bigger portraits but they take so much longer so i lose interest#also cause if i start another i never finish the old one. ive moved on#also just found out tom glynn carney was the kid from dunkirk??? id heard he was in it but i didnt know who#i watched that movie in history class and afterwards somebody was like 'harry styles was in it' and i was like “what”#they were all british guys with brown hair i have no idea which one he was lol#aegon the second#hotd#hotd aegon#house of the dragon#hotd fanart#im almost done with the dance section of fire and blood#ive got to return it to the library soon im out of renewels#ill probably post a pic of it before i do though cause i added a ton of paper tabs and sticky notes to mark stuff and take notes#but i didnt wanna write in it cause its a library book#not that it goes out very much
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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if my parents keep talking to me im going to (remembers that suicide jokes are bad for mental health) go outside and dig a hole to narnia
#borbtalks#'borb u got a letter from vsp. why are you paying for vsp. i dont think u need it bc of xyz. oh you're getting mail from y insurance?#they're a good company. im also covered under them. are they cheaper than ur previous one? they must be. did u know medicare has a page#online where u can compare all the plans? well did you? ik you've been on medicare longer than me but idk if you knew :/#sooo do u have a valid drivers license? oh when did u get it renewed? when does it expire? we were looking at car insurance earlier...#oh btw when are they gonna reevaluate u for disability? do u know? when did they last reevaluate u? when do they reevaluate others?#ANYWAY. what if i brought over x's dog. the dog that stresses ur cats out so much that they puke everywhere and spend all day hiding :)#wdym it'll stress [cat] out. what if he. didn't get stressed? :)'#like SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP#cant even walk into the bathroom without her trying to talk to me. can't make dinner w/o her trying to talk to me#and of course im the bad guy in telling her not to stress the cat out#just by saying 'vet says he's not supposed to get stressed out. he's at a higher risk for blockage if he does#which will KILL him.'#same woman who sat next to me while i was the phone w/ the phone company. petting the cat and whispering 'oh borb abuses u doesn't he?#maybe ill just steal you away one day. keep u away from borb. oh yes borb treats u oh so horribly.'#and my dad. sitting on the other side of me. said absolutely nothing.#i get it. im the family's designated fuck up!! the designated brat !!!! and no one gives a shit if my feelings get hurt !!!!!!!#i swear. my mother could smack me and everyone would rush to her side and comfort her stinging hand
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Why did you do that? Because I love you.
#twedit#scallison#scallisonedit#teenwolfplus#teendramas#scott mccall#allison argent#making this made me so crazy i had to fight for my life to not make this a lyric edit#thats what happened with the cant help falling in love scydia set if anyone was wondering#it was supposed to be like this and then i felt crazy#literally this whole set my head was like#i see the look in your eye and im biting my tongue you'll be the love of my life when i was young#isnt it amazing despite all the space in the world im still close to you then you said to me are we enemies no baby we could never be#if i could be stronger and if you were just older we might last this out longer but the task just gets harder and my face turned to red#we huddled under covers we ddint say anything if you hadnt come ovre i would be so much colder i would be so much less confused#goodbye goodbye goodbye you were bigger than the whole sky you were more than just a short time ive got a lot to live without#ANYWAY.#these scenes are very Specific to me they are so specifically about hurt/comfort to me#both of them bloodied in such different ways; both with blood on their hands; scott's is his own. allison's is mostly her own. but not all#the gentleness that comes not because of the absence of violence but despite the abudance etc etc etc etc#i refrained from including stuff from the movie trailer but the movie has really made me a scallison endgamer its crazy i never was#but i feel fucking Insane#the question is always why and the answer is always because i love you
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does the jimmy solidarity side of trafficblr understand how desperately jimmy either needs to win OR come ridiculously close to winning for me (me specifically) to be happy
like if he wins. which he could. that would be amazing. winning after dying first every single series would be incredible and i think i would go absolutely insane. he deserves it and he definitely could if he decided to stop playing up the pathetic wet cat/'bully me itll be funny' bit. which i feel as if i always have to clarify IT'S NOT A BAD BIT!! ITS FUNNY im just saying if he Did. he could do some serious damage to the server. like if jimmy solidarity decided that he was tired of being nice and literally nerfing himself and just sort of went off with a group in the next life series i personally think he could go crazy go stupid
but here's the thing. i will be happy with him winning. but i will be equally as happy (and i'd be a dirty liar if i didn't say possibly even more happy) if he got to like. third place. hell, even fifth place. and then someone stabbed him in the back at the last second. like, someone he had been running with for the entire series just. to win. stabs him in the back.
i feel as if. and correct me if im wrong. jimmy solidarity has never been straight up betrayed before, i dont think. he even did the betraying himself in last life, but i dont think someone has ever actively turned their back on him or stabbed him in the back out of wanting to win before. hes never been seen as enough of a threat to backstab. hes one of those players that gets a group or a partner and sticks with them for the entire series. he had scott in 3rd life, the southlands in last life, and tango in double life, and i fully believe that he only doesnt betray them because he doesnt want to.
imagine it in your head. jimmy solidarity is running with someone and decides that he needs to kill them. its not that weird of a thought. jimmy, in my opinion, has enough bastard energy where you CANT say that it would be out of character for him to betray someone. he could. he just doesnt. like, dude, if you want proof he literally DID betray his group in last life. no regret, broke one of the most sacred southlands rituals and tried to run away with a life. he has enough desperate bastard energy to do it if he really wanted to. he just doesnt enjoy doing it.
so imagine the absolute shock and horror that jimmy would experience when someone does directly betray him. he picks his group, or even his partner for the next life series and that person stabs him in the back suddenly? he would be flabbergasted. jimmy has little to no self-control, but jimmy i dont think would have the gall to betray one single person. he just. i dont think he'd get it. it would be horrible. and deliciously dramatic.
imagine the animatics out of that. jimmy solidarity girlbosses his way through the entire next life series. someone dies first before him, and you see how morbid it is for him to be excited, overjoyed at someone else's death. his circumstances have made it so he is happy when another person dies. he burns things down, forms strong enough alliances that he basically is untouchable, sets traps, embraces his innate bastard energy, and when he can finally see the light of a win, when he can finally see the possibility of him actually coming first...he is ripped away from that high by a sword in the back or a trapped base.
like jesus christ that would be horrible. and amazing. i would eat it up. im a jimmy solidarity enjoyer through and through, and of COURSE i want him to win, but im not gonna lie to myself and say that him getting close and then getting it torn away from him by a friend (and lets not make that sound less than it is; jimmy's enitre life basically circles around other people. getting betrayed by a friend would be horrible for him and him specifically) wouldnt be...wonderful. surely the jimmy solidairty side of trafficblr can agree im not crazy right. right.
#this is so much longer than i meant it to be#also if jimmy didnt win i would want martyn to win#he just feels like the main character of the life series atp#but like ive been thinking this for SO LONG#i had an obsession with the song `take me to war` but like.#it was so weird because it wasnt with any actual life series dynamic#it was the hypothetical situation of jimmy popping off and getting that song assigned to him#`ill be the sweetest thing to ever scare you`#`i am always swinging at somebody i cant knock down`#`all of the ire ive swallowed / all of the **COALS** that still sit in my gut / i am always burning up`#do u people understand me#god#i love jimmy solidarity#jimmy solidarity#solidaritygaming#life series#trafficblr#3rd life#double life#last life
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🧸♡ ⋆。˚
#it actually does make such a huge difference omg im like ... feels like i got thrown into the floor lost my breath#having someone i like so much to talk to abt things#and share stuff and details abt not only my days but their days too#and talking abt like books that we read or shows/movies we saw and etc etc#sending pics. sending voice messages. all of that#that was so amazing wth???#it sounds like such a mundane thing but it changed my enire baseline. it wasnt a littel thing to me#i didnt share as much as i wanted to because it takes me longer to settle into smth like this#or any kind of connection/correspondence/bond/rapport#im slow bc im so scared of ppl. scared of trusting. scared of opening up. rejection rejection all of that#yeah.. takes me a lot longer than the average person to settle into smth like this#avpd is its own special hell...#i miss it a lot and i wish there hadnt been all the other circumstances so i could've actually relaxed into it#and come out of my shell completely. which i was almost there. now that mental block is gone but it's too late....#i take too long... it is impossible to be patient with me. i really hate everything abt my brain#my desire overtook my fear and it was quicker than it ever has but not enough.. :(#i miss it sm and it made me feel so so much lust for life..#but it's gone now and i can really feel the loss of it#i wouldve done anything i could to save it. or nurture it. or whatever. but it was a sacred treasure to /me/.#it doesnt matter if i try to put out the flames in a burning house if the house is gone and there are actually only the flames left#and since to me it is so special. and like. the fact that this even happened is crazy to me stuff like this feelings and connection never#happen to me. it's like.. special to talk to someone u like & have an established rapport with on a regular basis#and tell them stuff and rant abt like a book or whatever. ask them details abt their life bc u know them and enjoy knowing them#i cant just transfer all of this to someone else. i dont feel like yapping abt the book im reading into the void or someone i barely know#i just dont know... i need that sm and it was so amazing w someone i like sm. & it makes me sad i takes me too long to get fully comfortable#bc of this time were it was the most intense and long lasting for me but also im in love lmao. but other times too...#i take too long and why would someone wanna wait like actually a year (which is how long it often takes me to pass a certain barrier)#im not special. im nothing that great. it is easy to find someone else who is x1000 better than me and wont take an eternity to warm up#i just feel so sad bc i try so hard and then all of my effort just goes down the drain and then i have to do it again if i meet someone#then they'll leave me behind too and get tired of me and not like what they see and then im back at square 1 again
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